Growing my own vegetables has always seemed like a doable thing. In February I start looking at seed catalogs. I am wowed over the beautiful chards, striped tomatoes and unusual gourds. In March, I think about starting seeds but usually don't get them going til April.

This year, I decided to try out Four Square vegetable gardening. My garden looks so well organized. Is is a method of intensive gardening whereby each squarefoot holds a certain number of plants depending on what you're growing in that square. For example, one square foot for one tomato plant. One square foot can hold 4 lettuce or 6 pea plants. The lettuce seedlings I bought from the Tricycle Garden did so well and were delicious.The greenbeans, cucumbers,pepper plants and chard looked  lovely until last week.....

I find that I am not match for the critters. 

We have the groundhogs, Percy and Mazzie. This year they have not been quite so bold....yet.

 
 My biggest rival right now is a very rascally raccoon. The raccoon has remained unnamed unless you count what I call it under my breath. She (or he) not only deflated our fun inflatable pool but also  had a blast tearing apart the new $8 Slip and Slide. I know because she left prints everywhere. She woke me up three time this week rummaging through the recycling. Little creature really wanted to open the peanut butter container. Raccoon has also nibbled all the tender tendrils of my greenbeans and swiped several cucumbers. She made my pepper plants and ruby swiss chard disappear.

You can deter a groundhog to some extent but what can you do about a raccoon? Smart little badass.

All I know is I'm thankful these critters don't have a taste for butternut squash, granny plum melons, tomatoes or basil because I would cry.

photo by Kimmy Certa, Howdershi in his Catnip Pot , 2008

Chris: "Where are the kids?"
Kimmy: "In the garden catching fireflies as they should be."

Moments later I walk out onto the deck and see three children in a huddle.
They are catching fireflies and putting them in a white teacup. After catching the bug, they name it and let it go.

Crux:  "I caught one. I caught one! What's his name?"
Jacob: " Prince Caspian!"
Crux: "Ane, what this one's name?" He shouts with urgency.
Ane: "Teleffi!!"
Crux: "Teleffi? Okay, bye bye Teleffi." 

They run around the yard with tinkertoy wands catching, tea cupping, naming and releasing fireflies.
Their play is urgent, serious and joy centered.

"I named one daffodil and let it go," I hear my boy say.

Little snap shots. Big living.
I don't think I could be much happier right now. 

photo: Kimmy Certa, Butterfly Fairy. 2008 

my red oriental poppies, which I grew from seed, have finished blooming.
the clematis are long gone and the mulberry trees are free of fruit.
they have all yielded the way to the giant azure pom poms of hydrangea,
yellow and orange daylilllies, bright eyed daisies and scarlet bergamot.
i am no longer taller than the sunflowers.

today we sampled the first ripe wild blackberries and today,
as always, I was surprised by a wee little snake
living under the driftwood in the garden. she hissed inaudibly and I yelped,
quite audibly, scaring her away.

i can hardly believe how quickly the beans and tomatoes
climb to the sun.

when i am no longer surprised by these things, I will be dead. 

photo: Kimmy Certa, Bergamot, 2008 

I had a few hours yesterday that were unpleasant, which isn't really a big deal in the scheme of my life. I was plum tuckered out from working with not enough sleep. I took a new job that I like heaps better and is closer to home but I just didn't get enough sleep : plain and simple.
Not a good time to engage in self reflection. Not a fun time to be a mama.

But my tired out self got cranky with the kids because all I wanted to do was nap and all they wanted was to spend time with me because they missed me. With each blink my eyelids struggled to regain the upward position.

My tired out self yelled, "Leave. Me. Alone," and slammed the bedroom door. She (that would be me) then wept into her pillow wondering what the hell she was doing with her life.  Still working in a coffeehouse. No pension. No savings. Nearly 40. No Master's degree. No "career." No "plan." No dental coverage and a tenuous budget.

Indulgent. I know.

Sleepy self continued along those lines for a bit until she remembered a woman named Goreth with no job and a heart full of love in Rwanda and the homeless person with sunburned cheeks and smiling eyes who came into the coffeehouse; bought a cappuccino and asked for 2 olives and then pushed her cart away in search of shelter. Sleepy self said, "Enough," and came back to her senses.

It is a constant discussion I have with myself. The one where I tell myself to forget all the "supposed tos" and "should haves." They are useless exercises. 

"Where am I going?"

"I am right here and glad of it!" 

*photo: Kimmy Certa, Digital Sunset.