first poem of the year

Mooncycle

The third day brings cravings for warm feet, chocolate,and savory quietness.

The third day brings a fragile mood,                         whereby I freely shed tears for sentimental television commercials, the sweet song of the cardinal in winter, and storybook tales.

On this third day I read to my children and weep as my small daughter catches tears. Pats my back.

"There, there Mama."

On the Ninth day,she blogged

While Shimmerglimpse has been silent, I can assure that life has been boisterous and strewn with work, blood, frustration, parties, crying, ER visits, joyful meanderings, delicious food and a lot of music. Our family finds itself at a crossroads. We are taking this time to reimagine and restructure how we function and these creative endeavors can be messy and unnerving. They can also be fun. It has taken me awhile to get used to Chris being around. At first, I was just pretending he wasn't here between the hours of 7-4. I felt like he needed that time to look for jobs and that I shouldn't get used to having him there to take care of the kids or do whatever. However, since promising employment around here is scarce, I've allowed myself to think about things differently and I find that I REALLY like it when we are all together as a family. I'm a better mother when he's around and if we can imagine and actualize a life that brings joy to everyone in our family then I will know satisfaction.

Since Chris was laid off in October from his soul crushing IT job of eight years, I've been doing a lot of listening. I always knew that Chris didn't like his job. He did it day in and day out because it paid our bills but sitting at a desk doing mindnumbing work in front of a computer isn't Chris. He likes to move. He desires some sort of intrinsic value in his work. Who wouldn't? It wasn't until he was free from the job that it became evident to ME just how much he suffered. Though it is scary not being able to pay all of our bills and the  uncertainty can be stressful, I feel like the Chris I met in 1997 has returned to me and the thought of him returning to 40 hours a week of unhappiness is totally and completely unappealing and unacceptable.

So here we find ourselves tweaking and adjusting our lives. I'm working more at the coffeeshop and still love being there. I'm also sewing the seeds for a book I want to write. Chris is homeschooling and spending more time with children. Chris is also making more music. His new music project, The German Version, made their public debut in our backyard this summer and at a Christmas party last month. With the exception of finances, life feels quite promising.

2009 will be a year of changes for our family and hopefuly our nation. For today, it is enough for me to know that my family and friends are here to love and support us. Pretty simple.

 

~~~~~extras

Songs I'm singing in the shower: Carol King's I Feel the Earth Move and Santa Lucia

Books I'm reading: I just finished the Twilight books. That was a fun read but Anne Rice still rules for me. I'm also reading Mary Oliver's New and Selected Poems, and The Family Virtues Guide: Simple Ways to Bring out the best in Our Children and Ourselves.

Boychild is reading: The City of Ember Series, The last Charlie Bone book, Magician: The Apprentice and Our Strange New Land: Elizabeth's Jamestowne Colony Diary.

Girlchild is enjoying: the Rainbow Fairy books,practicing her letters, dancing (very active dancing that did require an ER visit and stitches), and singing to her hearts content.

Three things I'm enjoying, our freshly painted bedroom which is now kind of Robin Egg Blue (thank you Chris) , my lovely weather glass (thanks Karen), and my new handmade bag (thanks Nancy).

Chris is busy working out, making music, connecting with people, looking for work and working on our house.

Age of Opportunity

There is a series of books about childhood development that I occasionally refer to to glean a wisp or two of insight about children. They are all have titles like: Your Six Year Old: Loving and Defiant or Your Five Year Old: Sunny and Serene. Every once in a while I'll check these books out to scrape a sliver of understanding about what's going on with these two amazing ,yet mystifying, people that came out me. The "Your Eight Year Old" book clued me into the fact that 8 year old children are sensitive and crave time with their mothers. For some reason , knowing this helped me be a better mother. Little things here and there, like knowing that 4 year olds have little control over things in their lives but ONE thing she can control is where to pee and if she is stressed, she may show her stress by peeing places other than the porcelain bowl provided for such liquid emissions.

Well, I think it is high time someone wrote a series for us. As far as I can see the series goes from Your Nine Year Old: Thoughtful and Mysterious to Your Ten to Fourteen Year Old and that's it !

What about Your Thirty-Six Year Old: Conflicted, Labile and Learning About Gravity All the Time, or Your Twenty Five Year Old: Confused, Prone to Depression but Knows Where the Fun Is ?

As in life, there are no operation manuals for children. People who know me, know that I like to curl up in bed with manuals to freezers, phones, espresso machines, and printers. I really do. So, mucking around without instructions is sometimes uncomfortable.

Seriously though, when I reflect, I am humbled, awed and entertained by the amount of living that happens in 36 short years. I feel like I've lived a few lifetimes already and I simultaneously feel like I've so much left to learn. As a young teen I was quite certain that I would never make it to be thirty years old. It wasn't that I couldn't imagine being 30, I just had a feeling. In fact, I was near death at the age of 29 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Yet, I persist to live.

How incredible that every day calls upon us to bend, change, learn, forget, relearn, and grow.

The recent change in our lives (Chris' being laid off), has reminded me that nothing is certain and change, though it can be scary at first, can be a gift you didn't know you needed.

We are still adjusting to our new situation. Chris hasn't found permanent work but somehow we are muddling through. He is happier than he has been in a long time. He never liked his job and stayed there because it was close to home, the pay was OK and there was the health insurance (which really were the handcuffs to that job).

We now have an opportunity to rethink the way we work as a family. I'm working more hours in the coffeeshop (which I adore) and Chris is finding work here and there. Somehow, we're managing. It is scary too. We don't know how long we can keep up this little juggling act. We don't have health insurance, but we've been through that before.

So even though that old fandangled box in the living room is spewing out worry, fear, and anxiety,I'm feeling hopeful about the direction this financial crisis has taken us. If my family can look upon this time as an opportunity, then I think we, as a nation, can do the same thing. It is time to rethink the way we work and where our priorities lay.

I know we can do this.

involuntary change can be good...we hope

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

-- Albert Camus

I don't know you've heard, but the world is apparently in crisis. I think some of us have known this in our hearts and minds for a long time but it had to hit the wallets of Wall Street and Main Street before it became headlines.  Today, I've spent the better part of the day trying to put on a strong front and baking making my troubles away. Butternut squash and cashew coffee cake anyone?

My dear husband was laid off from his job of eight years on Friday. We find ourselves trying to meet the challenge of keeping our spirits high while we wonder if we should pay all of our bills this month or hang on to the last bits of cash we have. I admit that I'm feeling like I'm in a daze. We live a modest lifestyle and there isn't too much we can cut out to lighten the load. We do have three luxuries: high speed internet, cable T.V. and Netflix. Our cars are paid for, we have a small one story 1920's bungalow and we eat at home almost exclusively.   So ,we wait to see what this new change will mean. Will unemployment help us our enough to keep our home? Will the mortgage company and our creditors work with us ? 

I won't lie, I'm fretting and not doing a good job of masking my worry and fear. I've had waking anxiety dreams akin to the Grapes of Wrath but I'm no Ma Joad.  

This change, though we did not choose it, could be a blessing is disguise. Chris has never loved his job (one that I've dubbed his soul crushing IT job), but it paid the bills and we had health insurance. Hopefully, Chris will find work that suits him better and this lay-off will be forgotten come the spring.

 I'm  extremely grateful for friends and family who have offered to help out and sent us their warm wishes and sentiments of support.

Wish us luck and wish your neighbors luck too. We're all in this together.

Decided

Fortunately for you dear reader I decided not to publish an exhaustive list of all the worries and anxiety that have been plaguing me this last month. I thought it might be a good way to exorcise myself of them but I think there is probably too much of that out there already. Nevertheless, typing them out was helpful. 

I have also decided to finally commit to voting for Barack Obama. In the past, I  have been very enthusiastic and active in politics and activism but the last two elections and presidencies have slowly eroded away my confidence in the voting process and our way of life here in America. Three reasons I have not committed to Obama until now: 1) He seems to good to be true. 2) I don't think he is radical enough to affect meaningful change 3) I don't trust the vote counters.

However, I don't see any other candidates that appeal to me and even if there was a third party candidate that I adored, I think I would go against my usual belief to "vote my conscious" and cast my vote for the least offensive candidate with a chance of winning. I've decided to vote for Obama because 1) I've seen a great amount of grassroots organizing around his campaign and that is inspiring 2) He does seem to share many of my values  3) I think he is more in touch with real people 4) His campaign is being supported by the people and if fails us, he will answer to us.

So, Mr.Obama, I'm putting my trust in you. I'm hoping, along with your other supporters, that you will honor your words. I hope you can unite us and help America see that we need to reevaluate and redefine our priorities. I want the world see us as friends through diplomacy and fairness rather than through oppression, deceit, greed and war. My family needs healthcare and we need more time with one another. I also want to feel secure and right now, with this financial crisis everyone is talking about; I'm busy picking out grassy knolls off the interstate to start my tent city in because if we lose our jobs, we lose our house in a matter of months. 

That's a lot of hope Mr.Obama and I'm putting my trust in you with my vote.