boy, girl, boy, girl

                     "Keep thou an open door between thy child's life and thine own."

                                                from Mother Stories by Maud Lindsay

I've marched, protested and organized for Women's Rights. I've read feminist theory and written papers on the male gaze, the family, and women and religion, amongst other things. Most of my university learning on the feminist angle went out the window when I became a mother. The majority of it became theoretical and unsuited to any sort of practicality in the day to day rigors of modern life. I first noticed this when my son was a year old and I brought him to a monthly National Organization for Women meeting. I was quickly made to know that my undisruptive child wasn't welcome. I started looking for support within the feminist community but came to see that I had silently been absorbing a message all of my life that the role of motherhood didn't necessarily jive with the notions of feminism. The role had been stigmatized as the seat of our suppression. The ability to create was the root cause of patriarchy and had to be demonized , in a way, in order to progress. (This is an oversimplification but is where my mind was working at the time.)

So as I wrestled with becoming a mother, starting nearly ten years ago, and I came to terms with my own kind of feminism. One that welcomes all women: even bohemian, art loving, blue collar, simple living, uninsured, homeschooling, homebirthing, breastfeeding, radical chef mamas like me.

I found solace in books such as: Mamaphonic: Balancing Motherhood and Other Creative Acts by Bee Lavender and Maia Rossini. The Impossibility of Motherhood by Patri DiQuinzio. I read online journals of so many different kinds of mothers that I find it puzzling that anyone could think motherhood is just one thing. It is not. It is a complicated process of becoming and growing, a process that, hopefully, results in children growing into adulthood; taking care of themselves and prospering. There many paths to that end. One thing is for certain, the process directly affects the parents as much as it affects the child.

As I become a parent, I can recognize more clearly the affects of my own parents' parenting. I use this as a guide sometimes. Using the bits that I think worked and tossing the ones that didn't. I discover my own methods, search for better ones and all the while I'm still trying to get my own life "right."

Being a feminist, I thought I would somehow be able to negotiate gender roles differences for my children. Somehow I would help my children escape the pitfalls of stereotypes of gender. He would play with dolls. She would love trucks. He would play dressup and  go to ballet class if he wanted. She would grow up knowing she could fight fires , be president or drive tractor trailers if she chose to do so. It didn't take long to realize that our culture is stronger than just two parents and the path would be a slippery one. Chris and I work hard to help our children differentiate between real life and the advertised life. The messages that are sent about beauty, what it means to be "masculine" and what it means to be happy. Advertisers spend billions trying to get into our children's psyche. Telling them what they want to eat, to do, to see, to wish for, to aspire, to WANT WANT WANT! It is on T.V., PC, buses, billboards, bananas, shoes, shirts, in the mouths and heads of everyone around....

Our only defense is perspective. We help them be critical. I write this, but I still worry, especially for my daughter, who is five. In the last month she has uttered two sentences that have been wriggling around in my heart like a blackberry thorn that cannot be dug out with tweezers.

"Mommy, I don't want to grow up because then no one will say I'm cute."

"I don't want to wear the purple polka-dot dress because it makes me look fat."

Cute. EVERYONE says Anwen is cute. Five years of people saying you are cute and commenting on your clothes can make an impact. People stopped commenting on our boychild's looks probably around age three. After that, they begin commenting on physical prowess and brain power. Of course, if you are a boy, like Cruxien, who eschews sports, pokemon, violent video games, rough play, power rangers and other so called "boy" activities, you have another set of issues. He is gentle. She is fiery and prone to hitting. I love the twist.

So here I am in this interesting space called motherhood, wondering how to help my children navigate the murky depths of gender roles. I really want to do this right. By right, I mean, I want them to feel comfortable and happy doing what they love regardless of gender role expectations. Certainly, the "answer" is to keep up the critical discussions about pop culture and keep up the dialogue. The longer I am at this, the better I come to realize that there is great power in the words that we exchange with our children, even when we think they aren't pay us any mind.

* Cruxien and I in 2001. VCU campus, Feminist Action Network's "Love Your Body Day" table.

Comments

[Allyson]

Beautiful and thoughtful, Kimmy. My friend Sheri sent me this today. You may appreciate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWOfcQ4O_yY

[kimmy]

Thanks for sharing that Allyson! Last week, Anwen was at the shop with the rest of our family. She was sitting at the coffee bar watching me make a drink. I called the drink and the guy came to get it and started talking to Anwen about his whip creamy topping . She scowled and ignored him and he said ,"I feel like I'm still at the bar from last night." Totally disgusted me. She is FIVE years olds. WHat an ASS. Sexualizing children is so prevalent.

[Jenny Henkel]

First of all....LOVE the picture! What an insightful blog. You must be hyper aware of the differences having a boy and a girl. I have two boys and Aidan, my oldest, has a girl for a best friend...which is becoming difficult for them in school. The last few months of school Aidan was almost ignoring Isabella. When I asked him why, at first he said he didn't know....then he admitted that the kids in his class were teasing him that he and Isabella were boyfriend and girlfriend...in third grade, that's kind of a big deal. After a long talk about how awful it was that his other "friends" couldn't accept the fact that his best friend was a girl (and that they've been friends for their whole lives) it finally sunk in and Aidan felt shameful of his behavior. The people who should've felt shame as well will never be aware of what Aidan had to go through because, well, let's face it, parents aren't always aware of how their children behave, myself included. But also because the issue of boy/girl is not on the list of things to discuss with our children....yet. Keep up the blogs, and let's keep this ball rolling!

[Nikole]

Thank you for this, Kimmy. This is such a deep and thoughtful post that touches on so many things that I have been wrestling with recently - as well as those that I know I will be confronting as Thea gets older. I always appreciate your perspective, honesty, and willingness to be open about challenging and murky issues. I will definitely be checking out those books!

[kathleen]

i heart you so much.
do i say that enough?
cuz i do.
you hit the nail on the head on how i feel, mama.
thank you for putting what-i-feel-in-my-heart into words.

i am going to miss our annual end-of-summer camping.
maybe we can get together for an autumn celebration? : D